I don't know what to do with my life anymore.?

Hello. I am a 15 year old girl living in New York. I despise society and everyone around me because I feel like I don't belong. I do have a couple of close friends but I barely talk to them anymore because they have a girlfriend/boyfriend now or they're hanging out with a completely new crowd. I feel like everyone around me is stupid and making new friends is impossible to do. I've been in a long distance relationship with a guy who lives on the other side of this effing country. We've been together 1 year 10 months and I do love him very much. He originally lived in New York but moved to California because of his family's financial problems and had to move closer to their jobs. I can honestly say that I had my share of flaws and mistakes with this guy and he is doing the same thing to me. I have deactivated my Facebook account, deleted my myspace account and whenever I go on aim, I go invisible so he won't get mad. He doesn't like it when I talk to other people. I know he is controlling me and he knows it too but he says he's only doing it because he cares and he loves me and doesn't want me making any stupid decisions. I am holding a lot of resentment towards him and I've been breaking down lately. I've been so depressed. I've also had a previous suicide attempt while being with this guy. I also dislike my parents very much because they act like because they can provide me with materialistic things and that it makes up for the fact that they are barely home. They tend to buy me things that I don't even need. My grandma is the only one who's usually home cooking and cleaning. I'm not very happy. I'm discontent with my life. I've also relapsed into cutting. I have so much more to say, but I know I will be boring the people reading this. So please... help me. I have no inspiration for anything.



Answer on I don't know what to do with my life anymore.?



I've been where you have been in some very similar ways, so I hope my take this will be of some assistance:



When you're 15, your peers are generally pretty stupid. Most people don't realize this until they are older, but there are the exceptions. It sucks at first because you aren't receiving the enjoyment in their company that they seem to experience from other people your age. But, fortunately, if you stick around long enough (as in don't kill yourself), those kids will mature. You will also meet more people as you get older who match the depth you're looking for in friendship. Your abandonment of technological connections also speaks to this mindset as connecting through facebook and aim, although appealing, are very superficial.



As far as your boyfriend goes, long distance relationships are hard for anyone, but especially young-mid teens since your limited independence hinders your avenues for connecting. It sounds like you are stressed out by him more often than you are boosted by him. You have to ask yourself, "Is he helping me get through my internal struggles or is he just adding to them?" You obviously need to work on your depression and cutting, so you have a very legitimate reason to tell him you need a break without really blaming him. Do your best to let him know it's about your internal struggles and not his behavior. You have enough pain in your head as it is. You don't need to add stress over hurting his feelings.



Parents...hm, how do I address this? There are just some parents you can't rely on. This may be temporary, or it may be permanent. So you may need to search for an adult figure who will help you the way you need it. See if your school counselor seems like someone you could open up to, and if not, ask for a therapist recommendation. Suicidal tendencies, cutting and depression are serious problems that need professional treatment. And there's a possibility that once you start taking those steps, your parents will realize how much you need them.



For the moment, please at least try this before assuming it won't work: every time you feel the urge to cut, exercise instead. You'll experience the relief of pouring out those negative emotions (just through sweat, not blood), your confidence will go up because you'll feel great about your body, and your mood will improve with your elevated endorphins.



Be safe. You'll never know what the world has to offer if you don't live to see it.

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